H E A R T
If you think something is good,
Then it's good
~Me, myself and I ~
Queen's University Belfast
Taylor's University College
Full time K-popping student
not short but not tall either
i love my food ...
Goes senile if it wasn't for broadband, good music and media...
Me Complete profile
Give your best for everything
Tuesday, September 4, 2012 ( 5:23 PM )
Of course i'd be too lazy to watch anything related to that. Skip to the last 2 secs of a 3+min clip i shall. Of course i'm lazy like that.
No i'm not on hiatus or something. At least I don't think so. I just don't know how to confront you? I dunno, I actually don't even know myself. I'm feeling that messed up and confused. Maybe I'm thinking too much. I'm afraid I won't know the limit, that i'll go overboard and it'll cause complications. You and your condition. I don't know what's too much, because I don't know how bad your condition is. And when I ask about it, my questions receive no answers. If it's something too personal for me to know, just say so. Sometimes I can be thick like that and not sense it. I would still like to know what you thought I was trying to hint when I didn't know I was hinting anything??
One more thing. I don't know if it's me being too difficult, or just me thinking things too much, but I feel a 'bella cycle' going on. Circle of life much.
Probably this is just another drama i'm staging. I'm the emotional battle after all.
I'm here. I have never left. Probably that's the problem.
Wanna know something creepy? there were times when I would read and re-read the emails, the skype messages, the line and kkt convo..and try to see what went wrong, what shit did i do or say that made things go from bad to worse.. why hasn't things changed for the better like how it should be. But I don't do that anymore. Cos it hurts. And i'm tired of all this. If you can find more solace, comfort, companionship and happiness in your other friends, then so be it. Cool. I refuse to say I give up, but I just don't want to fuel any more friction. There's already too much of that going on. That's my excuse for not looking you up. That's my excuse for just keeping quiet.
As pathetic and gay as it sounds, but it means something when it takes a village of people to attempt to replace one person's company;worse part is that it's still not the same. Not even close. Doubt it'll ever be. It means something when just cos I don't know how to confront one person, so much I cave in and hide.
I've been told I care too much about friends and by now I should learn not to be too attached to anyone. Nothing lasts forever, at least hardly anything lasts forever. I'm slowly learning, but it's not easy. I've lived my life too long being an idiot like that.
The issues are still prevalent. Can't deny that. Would another face to face solve anything? No, you need to recuperate at home, with your comfort material.
Tbh i'm still too confused and not able to form proper sentences. But I just can't contain this mess inside. I'd explode and go BOOM! (Clap, boom boom clap). har har.
I might regret publishing this, but one reason i'm writing this and handing it to fate if this gets read or not, instead of a frontal confrontation, is because i'm a coward like that.
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Tuesday, July 31, 2012 ( 4:27 PM )
A few days later...you surface. nice. yay you're alive. I was legit glad. You didn't just go for good without notice. When i knew of your condition i was genuinely worried. I knew something was wrong when you didn't even update your tumblr. its tumblr. your most prized and precious thing. Something i presumably will never understand. But it's become so precious and dear to you, even in such a painful phase of life for you, you'll still check it and upkeep it daily; That i felt something must've have happened for you to abandon it like that. I felt awkward asking in the open, so i asked in private. But, why reluctance to continue to talk?
Is it just with me or is it like that with everyone else too??
That you really didn't want to talk about your condition?
Is it because of the past events that has caused trust to be wiped out, and i've just become a person whom you don't find comfortable to open up to anymore?
Do you feel more comfortable and more willing to talk to your other friend?
Tbh, I thought about things.. after you leave, will we still be in contact? will we still have topics to talk about? after all, our topics only revolve around this realm that you're trying hard to part away from. Will we still be friends?? I still stand by what I said; things are different without you being around. Yes I have other ppl to talk to, other ppl to share things with, but's it's not the fucking same. I miss those times. I fucking miss them. Will they ever come back?
To all the causes elements and factors that made us drift apart like this, that made cracks in our friendship surface, until to this state. fuck you.
Well, boom boom clap to you. May you regain your health and form as soon as possible. Out.
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Monday, June 25, 2012 ( 7:14 PM )
1. Like I said, I checked to see if the coast was clear before striking up conversation. I'm uncomfortable and insecure like that . I DID NOT go and read on purpose. I should realise by now it's a creepy thing to do, it's not being cautious. Stupid me.
2. NO FUCKING SARCASM WHATSOEVER. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
3. no comment
4. no comment
5. From one paragraph it ballooned to almost 2 pages because as i was typing i thought back on things, boo me
6. Fast reflex back at chu, back at me.
7. I thought the same too. And i'm pissed and tired like that too. Damn.
R.I.P , as reluctantly as it may be.
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Away WE happened. too.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012 ( 4:33 AM )
"Sorry if I came off as pushy, I was just a little stressed, and I'm not usually like that"
"It's cool, we all have that moments and I was distracted too"
-quote from wongfupro's "Away we happened"-
WORD. if only everyone learnt like that.
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Monday, May 21, 2012 ( 5:00 PM )
After some thought; this is the most condensed version of our problem I can come up with:
IT ALL FUCKING STARTED FROM THIS SIMILAR INTEREST WE BOTH HAD. AFTER A WHILE, YOU FOUND A NEW FRIEND, AND LATER A NEW REALM OF FRIENDS WHOM YOU LIKED SHARING CONVERSATIONS AND MOMENTS AND FANTASIES AND WHATEVER-NOT WITH. YOU FOUND NEW CLICK AND NICHE. YOU ENJOYED THAT NICHE, THAT WORSHIP, THAT RECOGNITION, AND YOU ABANDONED THE OLD.
BE IT KNOWN I AM NOT THE LEAST JEALOUS OR MAD OVER YOUR NEW FRIENDS FOUND ONLINE. I HAVE MY OWN CAPABILITIES OF THAT AND AM GOOD AT IT TOO. I AM JUST DISAPPOINTED. AT HOW EASILY IT IS TO SHOVE ONE ASIDE. THAT'S ALL.
AND BE IT KNOWN I DO NOT MEASURE WORTH OF FRIENDSHIP WITH GIFTS OR MATERIALS. THAT IS JUST TOO FUCKING REALISTIC. I AM A SUCKER AND A LOSER IN THE WAY I STILL THINK APPRECIATION AND THOUGHT MATTERS MORE. SO YOU BE GENEROUS AND KIND AND NICE TO YOUR FRIENDS WHOM ARE BETTER ENOUGH FOR YOU TO SHOWER THEM WITH GIFTS LOVE COMPLIMENTS, WHAT FUCK WOULD I CARE OR BE BOTHERED. IF YOU THINK I'M PISSED COS I USED YOUR WORDS AGAINST THE SITUATION, THAT I WEAVE IT INTO CHATS WITH OTHER FRIENDS AND MAKES EVERY SINGLE DAMN THING DOUBLE MEANING, BECAUSE I AM PISSED. FINE THEN IF THAT'S WHAT BEING PISSED, JEALOUS AND MAD IS. FINE THEN.
YOU UNKNOWINGLY DITCHED ME. THINK ABOUT IT. DO NOT GIVE THE 'I THOUGHT YOU HAD OTHER FRIENDS SO I WAS COOL LIKE THAT AND LEFT YOU WITH THEM' .. EXCUSES. YOU WERE HAPPIER WITH YOUR NEW FRIENDS AND GOT CARRIED AWAY AND FORGOT.
ALONG THE WAY, EVEN WITH OUR OLD INTERESTS, AS TIME DEVELOPED I MYSELF FOUND NEW PEOPLE TO SHARE CONVERSATIONS, SHARE MOMENTS AND ETC WITH TOO. BUT DID I FOR ONCE MAKE YOU FEEL LEFT OUT, DITCHED OR ABANDONED? I MAY HAVE UNKNOWINGLY PISSED YOU OFF SINCE I'M TOO GOOD WITH WORDS I OFFEND PEOPLE WITHOUT REALISING, BUT EVEN AFTER I STARTED FEELING THIS FROM YOU DID I NOT STILL CONSTANTLY KEEP THE CONTACT GOING AT THAT STEADY STREAM. ONLY UNTIL THE POINT I FELT I WAS BEING A NUISANCE AND THEN STOPPED.
YOU SAY I'M BEING PATHETIC BY GETTING PISSED FROM READING AND SEEING WHAT I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE, FROM STALKING YOUR FRIEND, BUT DID YOU EVER FOR A FUCKING MOMENT THINK, HOW THE FUCK AM I ABLE TO GET PISSED OFF IF THERE IS NOTHING ON THERE TO GET PISSED OFF AT FROM MY PREDICAMENT. THINK FROM MORE THAN ONE FUCKING ANGLE. THINK.
WHY WOULD I FUCKING WANT TO STALK YOUR FRIEND. WHAT SENSE DOES STALKING YOUR DEAR FRIEND RELATE TO ATTEMPTING TO WIN YOU OVER. I THOUGHT I ALREADY WON YOU OVER THAT'S WHY WE'RE NOT CASUAL HI-BYE FRIENDS ANYMORE.
AND IT'S SO MATURE, NON PATHETIC, NON WHINY CHILDLIKE AND PEACE LIVING TO JUST LEAVE THINGS HANGING, BY PEACE LIVINGLY SILENTLY RESPONDING TBY JUST TAKING MY ONE SUGGESTION LIKE A HOT ROD, AND CONTINUE WITH YOUR FEELS ALL HIGH WITH YOUR NEW GANG OF FRIENDS AND JUST LEAVE THIS MATTER UNSETTLED LIKE THIS. LEAVING ME UNCERTAIN AND NOT KNOWING. HOW FUCKING CONSIDERATE AND NICE OF YOU.
HOW STUPID OF ME TO THINK I NEEDED TO RESPOND TO YOUR LAST EMAIL IN GOOD TIME, WHICH BASICALLY YELLED FOR HELL'S SAKES FOR ME TO GET THE FUCK OUT AND MAKE EVERYONE'S LIVES AT PEACE.
IF I MADE THINGS WORSE AND I FUCKING DID NOT LEARN, YOU DID NOT EITHER.
AS MUCH AS IT'S FUCKING UNFAIR TO YOU BY HOW MUCH OF A FUCKING ASSHOLE I MADE YOU FEEL UNKNOWINGLY, COS I FUCKING DOUBLE MEANING EVERYTHING; THAT I DO NOT HAVE PISS IN MY LIFE TO RANT ABOUT AND FOR A MOMENT THAT SO CALLED DOUBLE MEANING THINGS ARE ALL ONLY RELATED TO YOU , IT'S EQUALLY FUCKING UNFAIR FOR ME TO DEAL WITH AND GET AFFECTED BY THIS PISS BETWEEN US, I'VE A LIFE AND MY LIFE IS NOT A BED OF ROSES EITHER. THANKS A FUCKING LOT. I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING ASSHOLE TOO COS YOU SAID I MADE YOU FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE. HOW GAY OF ME TO FEEL SO MUCH HOW FUCKING GAY.
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Loss and Grief
Sunday, May 20, 2012 ( 3:41 PM )
I think it's safe to say, we; well I, suffered a loss today. The loss of a dear friend. (No, nobody died today, but the feeling's no different.) At least I still view that person as a friend. However much credibility and genuinity that still stands, coming from me.
Right. Here we go. It started fine and dandy. Everything could not be in a better placing. We had common music interests, bias group interests, opinions, thoughts, even out of the music sphere, and the likes. You can imagine. We got on really really well. Perfect even. Even shared a couple of adventures together. To the extent I really took this person as one of my better friends; ya know, there's friend, and then there's friend friend, and there's there frieeeendddddd :3 . That last one. Let's call it Level 3. Someone whom I would have in mind during festivities, someone whom would be on my xmas list, someone whom I would not mind spending on international texts/calls, someone whom I would not want anything more to present a surprise when it's that very special day of the year. Someone whom I felt I would be comfortable telling less on the surface, more personal things to. That kind of a good friend. This person was one of the few people I would contact if there was anything I wanted to share, be it happy, sad, interest related or not. I sincerely thought, it's reached that stronghold of a position and would only grow stronger if a plateau has not been reached . This person was has become that special of a friend to me.
The crumble: How did it happen? when did it happen? What happened?
I only vaguely remember now, since to be frank it has been too long, and I did not specifically put it to heart. It started about 2+months back? Late february sorts. We developed yet another common interest. I couldn't be happier. Again, we were into this same thing, at the same time, with the same mindset, thoughts, opinions, etc. That's what I thought initially. Till i noticed things aren't exactly cruising the way it usually is. Then i noticed the potential reason. Some else was better than me at it and has been receiving what I thought was missing and made things feel different. Well it's nothing new. Nothing wrong at all. It's always been like that since yonder years, and it's how it SHOULD be. Like duhhh!! The more the merrier . Good things are meant to be shared. I live by this rule of sharing and caring. I love it when many people share the common interest with me and we have a ball with endless continuity of discussion and the back and forth of sharing things we find interesting and discuss about it.
It was all fine until I suddenly felt I was being ignored/sidelined/neglected. Initially, I did stop and think it was just me being paranoid. I demanded too much attention and was being unreasonable. It was a busy period for everyone. Stop being such a typical only child; tsk. And I did think it was that predicament. But as time went on, how I would get minimal response, I started to tell myself my gut might be telling me the right thing. Someone else has indeed come, has outshone me, has taken over, I've become the woody, a brand new Buzz Lightyear has come into the picture. The toy Andy would only play with when Buzz was out of service. I admit, I felt hurt about it.
What did I not do enough?
What had I done wrong?
What did I lack?
Was there something I missed?
Did i not share the same intense interest, that same intense passion?
Was it because my topic and scope of conversation was too boring, too innocent, not enough to your more mature satisfactions, not tainted enough to your liking?? probably.
We suddenly weren't at same wavelength/page anymore. What happened? what came that caused that change?
As more time went on, I still kept quiet on matter, did not confront; told myself it's just me thinking too much, and continued being myself and kept the constant flow of contact going. But as usual, I would get very minimal response. I had to attach alerts of high importance or 'please do not ignore this' and those are the ones which I would get feedback on. Still, I did feel things have been different. I would have to ask the same question 3 times to get a short response. It was an automatic response however to tell Buzz all about it. Another event that got me feeling stung, semi hurt, was, when i noticed this person was feeling unhappy due to some issue on another social network, and I sent words of comfort, not once but twice. That also went with unnoticed. Concern from others received almost immediate attention however. Now thinking back, I wonder if it was me who caused that unhappiness on the other social network, which is why my words of comfort were ignored because, well, obviously. It's like I suddenly had been cast under an invisibility spell. It's one thing ignoring my spazzing, but to ignore when i sincerely offered friend comfort..
As pathetic and loner like as it may sound, which might not reflect so if you checked my recent interactions, but I am that much dependant on the very few, small circle of friends and acquaintances. The ones I describe as level 3. There are plenty a following whom would be willing to entertain and be entertained with me, but it's not the same.
It was birthday time. I prepared and ordered a gift way before all this ever happened. Imagine my excitement. This was when everything was fine and dandy, still. The gift arrived late, hence everything was delayed 2 weeks. When I finally received the gift, at the time after this all started, I suddenly felt it's not appropriate anymore. Like the theme of the gift didn't fit anymore. This person was by then more inclined onto this new interest with new company, the interest that we did not manage to take off and soar on. This gift, with it's theme, felt like it's gone to waste. It's not significant or relevant anymore, and would not be appreciated. I had half of my mind to not send it out, because of that. But it's a customised gift. And it'd be such a waste too. I did put my full sincerity and thought into it. And I really wanted to give that surprise. Another thing about me is that, I'm those kinds who enjoy doing little things like these in silence and then boom! In the end, I sent it out anyway. Just like how I planned it, and wanted it to be. When the gift was received, my expectations were met. The surprise worked. At least I think it did. I couldn't be more satisfied.
A month went by. March had come and gone. Nothing'd changed. Off and on, I would be unable to contain everything within and would let out random outbursts, both related to this matter and all the shit that's going on in my life; which I thought were semi concealed. A lot was going through at the same time for me. Too much even. Things I would prefer not to mention here. And what made things worse, is that through all these rough times, I lost a source of comfort, somewhere, someone I thought I was able to turn to without a second thought, to forget reality and have a good chat, to feel good. Of course these random outbursts did not go totally unnoticed. So that contributed to more cracks. Silent cracks. The worst of its kind. What happened was that, my random outbursts did not go unnoticed. But the detrimental thing was it was thought ALL of the outbursts were targeted at this dear Level 3 friend. Which is not. I give the most 10%. Those times I would be so affected to the brim, I would have rammed my head onto a wall and made sure I suffered a concussion. It had been been an extremely difficult time, still is.
Along the way, another new interest came in. I wasn't too interested in that, so i didn't think much of it. I had my own new interest which this dear level 3 friend was not interested in, so yeah, nothing significant, nothing to actually pin point on. However much I was interested in this new interest and was all over them though, I did not forget my roots.
So one day, about a month later, early April, I finally triggered a response. I was harsh, on purpose maybe, I couldn't take it anymore. As snide and sarcastic, rude even, but it gained the attention. That's when we started to exchange a series of emails and talked through the matter. I valued that honesty time. Those were probably the time we talked most, and was open and honest with each other, like how things were before this awkwardness set in. We promised each other to try and make things better again, like go back to how we were, like nothing had ever happened. To try to achieve that again.
This was how the month of april started and went by. Attempts of progress, to patch things up were made, but it's just not the same. I sincerely enjoyed those attempts and moments. But, no matter how much we try to become as spazzy, admit it, I'm now viewed in a different way. Replacement has taken place. I shouldn't, but I saw the difference between the others and with me. It was the exact same topic of discussion, but what I got was the minimal, the courtesy version, not the comfortable open version. No more compliments. No more nice words. No more peaks. No more high moments. The response if it was still "those times", was over there with Buzz and the new Buzzmates. Right there. It didn't have my name on it anymore. I was old news. Old garbage. I was of no more use. I've lost my niche. There are new people now. Fine. And I happen to have troubling shifting gears and stepping back into the background. I accepted that fact and was trying. Really I was.
Well, seeing how i also got the most hostile of feedback where others got warmer ones, more heartfelt ones, with praise and such, that's what made me further confirm with myself that things are indeed different now. Stepped down. Second fiddle. third or fourth even. The vicious cycle has once again come and done what it's meant to do.
As the month of April went by, and May stealthily rolled in, with the tensions i'd rather not speak off here, to only build up more and more. Tensions revolving around my life. All that with another full order of submission dates, uni stress, you name it, it's there. So many things i'm only experiencing for the first time I have no bloody idea how to handle. Keeping everything bottled up would have driven me senile. The number of times I ended up wasting hours away just covering up under the blankets and hiding away, avoiding things. All that plus this.
Sometimes, when I got bored, or just did not want to face reality, I went timeline reading. That's how desperate I was to avoid things, that's how much of an external life i don't have, and that's how quickly my mind would link to this level 3 friend like that; scary much. I read conversations that should have been better left unread. In short, I stalked.
I compared. I went back reading more, I compared again. Most of the time I would be thinking, what went wrong, why is that there now. Will that ever exist here again. So much for let's try to fix this. So much for I miss the good old times. What I saw from all that reading did not seem so. What I saw was more of good riddance whatever discomfort has been pacified and tucked away. Let's get on with our lives now. Hello new people who satisfy my needs and who compliment me, who tell me i'm nice and cute and make me happy, so much i will not think twice to tell you how much i love you.
I may be judging, but what I saw was that you've indeed moved on, with new interests, new topics, new people, who only entertain and satisfy you all too well. The past's the past. I might be wrong, but that's what screaming to me from what I saw and read. As much as all this extra nosy-ing around is unnecessary and wrong, but hey, that's what I saw and that's what I felt. So much for reconcilement. Attempt was made, but is it enough? Was it all my wrong and my bitching?
Then, I followed pages on other social networks that I came across while doing all this reading and comparing; which I thought were interesting. I didn't know one does not randomly follow such pages unless one knows the people or is involved in such activity. I was told this sin I've committed is pathetic, and as a result of all this reading which I should not have done, I got myself unnecessarily pissed off, and it's not helping in patchwork. My actions were seen not only as stalking, it was also scene as an attempt to win over, which in actual fact resulted in more distancing. Why would I want to stalk you and your friend. Is there even any worth to do that. It's not all wrong really. I trespassed. I went across the line. I invaded what was more dear to you now. The way I was lashed out at, I deserved it.
"Praise other people for all I want, just don't make you feel like an asshole." Well, you're the one who's thinking that I'm deliberately making you feel like an asshole. You praise your new friends, tell them how much they make you feel, play your emotions, I do the same with mine, to those who make me happy, just like how yours do to you. "Admit it you're pissed i'm being generous like that", more of that sinking feeling of having my gut feeling proven right. I just feel gutted at how suddenly nothing seemed to matter.
I am not pissed by seeing what's going on, I am pissed the fact you don't bloody get it.
"it’s killing me everytime we’re both online and not talking" yah right you're more entertained with others who talk jumps with you. your kind of wavelength, your kind of page.
"you think i can't read between the lines, you think i'm that dumb?" well guess what, you missed a few lines, the more vital ones then.
"Don't read my timeline cos from experience you're only gonna get pissed" WHY THE BLOODY FUCK DO YOU THINK I GET PISSED it's your timeline you have total control over the things there and the impression vibes and feelings it gives people.
try reading EVERYTHING from 1 to now; and see how out of hand and obscure this has become fgs.
so basically i'm supposed to keep quiet and let everything roll over me.. so fair..
All this sounds like i'm so possessive, like one is not allowed to have more than one or few friends, one is not allowed to be nice to other ppl. But heck, be fair and don't make anyone feel like piss, feel useless, feel neglected? Ever stopped to think you could have been too carried away, that you have fault and forgot something? Or is that just how you really are, and that it's finally unleashed again, after so long of containing it, finally you found people who understand your maturity better?
I was also told to have cockblocked and made things fucked up. well, that's how I've been feeling for the past 2+ months surprise surprise. The main reason of this fallout, that new interest that never took off between us, I have been cockblocked from it. Everytime I watch something from that, I just think how this shouldn't have turned out this way. To an extent I despise them when i do not want to. You've done that for me. The whole time where you said, let's make effort to make things good again, etc.. I believed it so much. Those few, very few feedbacks enjoyed on occasions were nice, it was a good start over, but i don't know, it's not the same. comparing to the hostility I still felt and received, I felt cockblocked all the more. So much for let's pretend this never happened. This thorn was never fully removed.
You also made the situation worse by thinking I double meaning everything and judge you. Did it not occur to you there's more to life, and bullshit is one of them? I already told you. It's Bull shit so bad, I need an outlet to release things. I got pissed also because, that as much as you say you want to make effort to change things, I'm not seeing it much. I see it as 'oh i'm done satisfying myself and my needs, with my new realms, let's see what's left to do. oh yes. this" or "ah, my new world is not here atm, let's see what's there to do, ah yes, this". I was more disappointed really. All double meaning read between the lines shit is all from your assumptions. Even if there were any that were intended to you, it's cos I felt hurt from things done towards me. Using your own words against things wasn't the smartest idea. Probably there's where the assumptions of double meanings and that everything was aimed at you came from. If i didn't learn, so didn't you. I had none of that in mind. not guilty in this way, but no one will believe me. All this will be seen as excuses.
That final email. I am now officially a bitch. A pathetic whining child.
I felt like such a bitch after knowing what I'm thought of now, and reading all that. So i am not allowed to have negative insecure moments, I am not allowed to rant, I am not allowed to have feelings. I am not allowed to be the younger individual who is not as experienced with life, I am not allowed to not know how to handle the crappy things in life that come at me by surprise, in which I had the slightest thought I would be involved in. I am not allowed to be confused.
But beyond that, I saw the protective nature come out. To protect what is what deemed more precious and dear now, at this point of time. It's like i'm a bitch of a demon and is out to hurt or threaten your precious. Every single sentence I read, I felt spite, I felt hatred, I felt curses in there.
I really did feel that, and how I've lost my value, whatever little was left. Whatever use I had, had come to an end. Disposal time. I've been legitly hated upon.
Disappear now, worthless, pathetic stalking bitch, you line crossing, negative, insecure piece of rubbish who double meaning things as if I don't know how to read between the lines and whom thinks i'm dumb. Don't come between and hurt my friends. And don't come back. All you do is make tensions and strains felt, Make me feel like an asshole. Banish away now. Time will be better spent with new and more valued friends, who satisfy my in the pleasures, my desires, who are of similar wavelengths and maturity of thought, who have more fun comments, fantasies to indulge in and whatnot. Your childish acts and thoughts and ways of thinking is not wanted anymore. moved on and move away. People like you, bitches like you, pathetic children like you, who cannot live peacefully by things.
I replied the email and sent it this morning before leaving for exams. I don't know why, but I felt that was the most appropriate time to send. In that email, to show that what's going on in my locked account is indeed not related to you whatsoever, I suggested unfollowing it from your public account. And seeing how quickly and readily you accepted my suggestion, wow. That really showed me how much you want me out of your life. That's also the point where I confirmed I have suffered the loss of a dear friend. there is just no turning back anymore.
Fair ground then. We're not on either's personal accounts. Whatever bitching that goes on in yours about me, I will not know. And whatever turmoils, that I am having a difficult time with and the troubles in life I am going through and am finding difficult to bear, you'll never know too.
Come to the think of it, I might be feeling too much over this. That i've let myself been exposed too much. I should have kept a certain amount of privacy, a decent amount of arms length, for self protection? Come to the think of it, there's a lot I don't know about you too. I know the surface, maybe a little bit more, but yea, that's about it. Figures.
All this, I've brought upon myself. Well, serves me right.
The deed's been done. Seems like you're happier like this. I'm happy for you then.
I took time this evening to read through our series of emails that we exchanged the past month+ pertaining this matter. The initial emails were all full of concern, warmth, care. It lasted till the very last email, where not only questions from my previous reply was not answered or clarified, but basically it was all lashings and cursing. Every sentence I felt hatred, I felt anger, I felt cursed. It was my fault. I stalked and threaded on grounds where I wasn't supposed to. I crossed the line. I cockblocked. I am too good with words to the extent I do not realise that I've insulted, pissed and cockblocked. It was all my bringing upon. I deserved it. Fuck me sfm. People like me.
And to think I looked up to you.
I wrote this entry in parts, so it might not seem too coherent, and might not flow as well as it should've. This whole entry might probably end up sounding like I'm trying to defend myself, that i'm more right than wrong, or that I'm still in denial, not realising my fault, not being able to live in peace with things, that i'm not learning and still think i'm right and making myself look like such a sad victim. well it's not. I'm just rambling on how I feel from the whole situation. I am upset things turned out this way. It takes two to make these things happen. It's a 2 way thing. You hurt me too and I was made felt like an asshole too.
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( 12:56 PM )
BE IT KNOWN BELLA I RESPONDED TO YOUR ACCIO I WAS ONLINE WHEN YOU ACCIO-ED ME MY FOOT KICKED THE TABLE LEG SO HARD I THINK I YELLED OUT THE PAIN
Ode to Bella, Jacintha, and the 15 other people who are still there: You've seen me at my lowest, which is right now. You've seen me burst my heart out. The things which I couldn't contain, which I had to somehow someway let out because I was deeply affected by it. You didn't judge me. You didn't even stop to think there was double meaning and I could be firing anything at you or anyone else. You just let me be. On top of that, you saw the rough time I was going through, you tried to cheer me up in your own special way. Thank you my friends, Thank you.
- what inner inspirit instinct was that this morning to sit and watch Infinite's chaser comeback, end up being late for church, not going and turing the other direction towards starbucks instead >.<
- mental note: sya unnie has dongwoo's hidden track CD. (but lol i'm a sucker for fate too much, even if i do end up not getting dongwoo's CD, i doubt i'd want to trade. not a fan of that kind of 'forced fate'? lol)
KLASGFJLAJSGFAKLG BE IT KNOWN I AM A SUCKER FOR SIMPLICITY ... JEANS AND A WHITE TEE AND INFINITE OMGGGG AKJSFLA THE PAINS TO CONTAIN EVERYTHING TO MYSELF AND NOT BE ABLE TO STRANGLE SOMEONE, ANYONE!! OMGGGGG OMGGGGG
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Why; Hello There
Thursday, May 17, 2012 ( 8:16 PM )
So it's my fault. It's my fault that I happened to want to escape reality for a moment and want to lurk around at where I thought was one of the few dependable sources to be cheered up at. It's my fault that I happened to get curious and read on, be it in favour or not. It's my fault that I had doubts and insecurities and it so happened was when I was at my most fragile moments. It's my fault I went too vocal on things, but at the same time not up front and transparent enough. It's my fault I went out of line, out of the comfort zone. It's my fault I went out of what's supposed to have been my zone, my predicament, my box, my stereotype, my place. Shouldn't have done that. Got it. Sorry. Sincere Apologies. Really.
To receive the critique that i'm too good with words. How poetic of me. Never knew I had that hidden talent. People like me. Wow. Thanks.
Me and my. Got it. Twos good company. Three; and beyond's a crowd. Got it.
As much as an utter denial it may sound like, but it's true. Issues and problems are not solved overnight. It'd be lucky if a fortnight would do the trick. Maybe 2 of those, or 3. Provided lady luck is gracious. Some things just drag on. And if only everything works in linear motion. Just because one issue has been solved, does not mean another issue will also cease and a happy ending conclusion will come with. Nobody made such a rule. Sometimes, bitter endings happen too. Sometimes, it happens more often than not. A continuity just means more than one thing is happening at the same time. The food web looks like a simple one way piece of thread in comparison.
This blog has been running since 2008. It's been 4 years and counting. God knows who and how many have stumbled upon this now socially abandoned place, and still keep the link and might drop by at some odd point of time. It's not exactly as safe of a solace anymore. I thought I had an ulterior haven, where I had control in who sees what. I thought it was safe. Guess I thought wrong.
Technology fail. Old school pen and paper diary win.
Miracles happen. So do coincidences. I would be lying if I said everything was a coincidence. But I am not lying when I say it's a negligible minuscule percentage of a coincidence.
And so; this is what I've seem to have become?
Now, what would the proposal be to have this go through fair and square? No judgement, no strangling, no double meanings? Some one be thick skinned, take the first step, make the first initiative and just carry on with, go through this physiotherapy and hopefully with effort and time, the limbs match up, and the ability to walk, run, and maybe even complete a marathon will be gained in due time?
As cowardly as this action seems right now, right here, I'm afraid now. I don't know when I will end up offending people. I'm too good with words. So let me be the one who follows the prepositions.
And now, it's time for this pathetic child to go learn. Nobody's a bigger asshole than this pathetic child here, typing this. No one's at bigger fault.
Note to self: never under any circumstances let the happy go lucky surface nature take a break. Ever.
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